Later, I’ll have a commentary on the Inter-Network Talking Chimp Dog ‘n’ Pony Show. But for now, you’ll have to be content with Dave Barry talking about a new breed of armed cockroaches. Of course, the Bush administration is so busy with Iraq that they’ll never notice this new menace until we all wind up with bullet-riddled ankles.
Wednesday, January 29th, 2003
The design is about to get just a little bit freaky around here. It’s all part of the planned re-design – some technical difficulties are to be expected. Links will change location periodically, as well archive calendars, etc.
In addition to the rather ambitious writing projects that I have undertaken, I have also taken on an equally ambitious re-design. Especially considering that this time around marks my first attempt ever at designing in CSS. (Sigh) Only twenty-two and I’m already a technological dinosaur.
In case you haven’t discovered it yourself yet (for shame!), Dave Barry has his own blog now. It’s not a glorified storage bin for his columns, but an actual, flesh-and-blood blog (ew, the imagery) that keeps you up to date with current events in the Barry career. Original, sample-size doses of the Barry wit and wisdom are available here
Once again, do not be alarmed by sudden formats. The ArtMachine is currently lying in pieces.
But we can rebuild it. We have the technology. We can make it faster, stronger, better….
Wednesday, January 29th, 2003
It’s Tuesday! And that means it’s time for new music on Radio Free ArtMachine.
So what can you expect to hear the next time you tune in? New songs in this week’s rotation include:
Arrested Development – Tennessee
Bif Naked – I Died
Black 47 – Funky Ceili
Eric Claption – Cocaine
The Indigo Girls – Shame on You
The Mamas and the Papas – California Dreamin’
Us3 – Just Another Brother
Tune in now! We do not condone the harming of kittens to promote our radio station, so you’re on the honor system.
Tuesday, January 28th, 2003
How exactly do you manage to alienate your readers in just one simple state?
Follow up a perfectly heartfelt message about violence against women with an article on pornography.
Of course, if ABC News’ PrimeTime Thursday can do it, I guess that I can, too.
You might notice that the webpage for PrimeTime’s story is entitled “Love on a Porn Set.” How very Harlequin of them. Of course, the story that the show told was something completely different.
Diane Sawyer plastered on her “concerned matriarch” face and whispered questions to young porn stars between shots of sleazy producers and surgically-enhanced bimbos. In particular, she followed the story of Michelle, whose fans know her as “Belladonna.” Michelle entered the porn industry two years ago, and that’s when PrimeTime started following her story.
Consider this for a second. PrimeTime not only produced a story on the porn industry, they worked on it for two solid years at least.
There were many things wrong with PrimeTime’s report. There’s the fact that it was a ratings grab disguised as investigative journalism. There’s the fact that it exploited the young women just as much as the pornographers did. And there’s the creepy enough fact that Diane Sawyer’s “feminist” act in fact hid a much more conservative – and mercenary – agenda.
“I warn you,” Sawyer said as heavily-blurred porn footage plays, “these images are not easy to watch.”
Tell that to the people who have made the porn industry one of the biggest industries in America.
Sawyer commented several times on the fact that porn had become “disturbingly mainstream,” showing images such as a young couple who won a contest to be on-set for an actual porn shoot.
Pornography, however, is a genre that flirts constantly with the mainstream. Consider the success of 70’s films such as Deep Throat. And in recent years we’ve seen porn stars finally get into Playboy, we’ve seen them host specials on the E! Entertainment Network, we’ve heard them on the radio, seen them in mainstream films (playing themselves) – we’ve even seen an off-off Broadway musical based on Debbie Does Dallas1.
And when it comes down to making porn mainstream, even PrimeTime gets their shot. Everybody who ever watched E! in the late 90’s has at least a passing familiarity with Jenna Jameson – but PrimeTime just gave us Belladonna, complete with clips from her films and a selected filmography – and a good amount of air time.
And what about that air time? Quite a bit of it was filled with censored clips from porn flicks – all so that you could see just how deviant and degrading it was, of course. Not because ABC wanted to show porn clips on a news show.
At this point, I would like to say – I feel that arguing the morality of the existence of porn is rather a moot point. It exists, and chances are that it always will exist. And as long as there’s money to be made from it, there will always be more of it. I do feel that the vast majority of it is degrading, and I feel that the industry is in need of regulation – not to control content so much as to control the way the studio treats its stars. Beyond that, the best regulation is this – if it offends you, don’t buy it.
And this point was made by PrimeTime a couple of times. At one time, Diane Sawyer cited the fact that in Nevada, prostitution in brothels is legal and regulated – and that the brothels are legally required to use condoms as they conduct business. Something that has yet to hit most of the porn industry. In addition, porn stars are paid a flat fee by the sex scene with no royalties – meaning a star can be paid $1000 for what will make the company millions.
And as for Diane Sawyer….
As for Diane Sawyer….
Diane Sawyer picked up a bucket of glue and tacked the edges of her mouth down into one of the most dour faces I have ever seen. She did not allow herself any expression but one of deep, deep concern throughout the show.
“Do you feel that age limit is all right?” she asks one porn producer. “Eighteen years old?” The answer doesn’t play.
“I tried calling Time Warner,” she says, “and Comcast…” All in the quest to confront major Fortune 500 companies that hold stock in porn companies. She reminds us that “hotels make millions” by selling adult films to their rooms, and that that makes them just as involved in this corruption of the innocent as the slick, slimy producers who casually work porn into discussions with would-be models.
“I don’t understand,” she says to Belladonna, “how you can tell these horrible stories and still be smiling.”
And Belladonna – like a good shill – breaks down into tears. Right on cue. “I like to hide,” she sobs.
As does Diane Sawyer. Sawyer wanders from point to point – the lack of medical care for porn stars, the exploitation of those stars by their producers, the big corporations making money off of porn – but she never stays on target. Why?
Because Sawyer knows how to exploit, too.
Sawyer knows that a good interviewer can get their subject to cry. And she knows that you can argue your point without ever having to actually state it. By talking about medical care, age limits, and exploitation, Sawyer builds a mask for herself as a “good feminist.” But in the end, the point of the PrimeTime report boils down to, “These people get filmed having sex. Isn’t it dirty and wrong? Why do people buy it?” And that message is not feminist – it is ultimately conservative.
Far be it for me to defend the porn industry. It is, after all, an industry built on exploitation. Many people have filmed adult movies only to regret it afterward, and many people have been mistreated in the industry.
But the only real difference between the porn industry and ABC News is that the porn industry, at least, is up-front about exploitation. “Here,” they say. “Here’s a scantily-clad woman signing autographs at a booth.” From start to finish, pornography is what it is – and does not try to disguise itself.
But ABC feels free to disguise conservative moralism and an exploitative ratings grab as “investigative journalism.” And when it comes down to it, that’s an even worse exploitation. Because the people being exploited are not just Belladonna and Diane Sawyer. They’re the audience sitting at home.
And tell me, how does it feel for the PrimeTime producers and sponsors to realize that they’ve just gotten their little share of the porn market, too?
Friday, January 24th, 2003
Violence against women is not restricted by age, race, nationality, or politics.
Violence against women is occurring now. It is occurring in South America, in Asia, in North America. It occurs in a refugee camp in the Middle East, it occurs in a rent-controlled Manhattan apartment. It occurs to white women, black women, hispanic women, asian women—and it occurs to women who are Muslim, Christian, Jewish….
Violence against women is not a “women’s issue.” It is a human issue. Across the globe, you will find slavery, mutilation, rape, and battery supported by local governments or ignored by society.
With television news loudly proclaiming the anniversary of Roe v. Wade and the likelihood that the Republican-controlled government will take advantage of this time to destroy a woman’s right to choose, it is important to consider what exactly is violence against women.
From the V-Day Initiative: When violence stops, women and girls will be:
Such a vision is not impossible. It is not un-American and it is not unpatriotic. It is certainly not terrorist.
Violence against women is not a non-issue. Not in the world, and certainly not in the all-powerful United States of America.
Violence can be physical, emotional, and psychological.
Violence can be rape, abuse, battery, neglect.
Violence can be an insult, it can be exploitation, it can be discrimination, and it can be disenfranchisement.
Violence can be telling someone that they have no choice.
VDay Initiative, Until the violence stops.
Planned Parenthood
Wednesday, January 22nd, 2003
Have you heard Radio Free ArtMachine lately? Every week, some music cycles off the station and is replaced by new tunes – a better system, I think you’ll agree, than that favored by commercial radio (I swear, some of those “top forty” songs have been on those stations for a year now). So some tunes will remain to haunt you, but you’ll get a few surprises, as well. You can find the link over on the right-hand side of your screen under “Tourist Trap.”
Wednesday, January 22nd, 2003
The Rogue Nation of Etherfunk, governed by yours truly.
Tuesday, January 21st, 2003
Last time we spoke on this subject, I mentioned several very good reasons not to be an actor – and one very good reason in favor of that career choice.
And now you’re back. Well, re-read part one to refresh your memory and test your resolve once more and then let’s continue.
Two voice actors for animation were being interviewed. One came from Japan, where voice acting is considered a model career and you can even major in it in college. The other came from the United States, where voice acting is considered a sideline to “real” acting and if your name doesn’t happen to be Dan Castellaneta1 you probably won’t get much attention.
A member of the audience asked the Japanese voice actress how she got started in this career field.
“An angel came down and settled beside my pillow one night,” she replied, “and she told me, ‘Go to school and become a voice actress. You will be successful, have fun, and never regret your decision.’”
Another member of the audience then asked the American voice actor how he got started.
“An angel came down and settled beside my pillow one night,” he replied, “and she told me, ‘Take a class in the drama department and you will meet lots of cute girls.’”
What’s the point of this long, rather drawn-out anecdote in which no specific names are given and the quotes are probably inaccurate?
I have always said that there is no bad reason for getting into theatre. It doesn’t matter if you feel that it’s your Call From God TM, if you think it’d be a fun way to make a living, or if you really like that cute blonde girl in the drama club. For all I care, the leperchauns in the back yard could have taken a break from telling you to burn things and suggested that you take a class at the Y, instead. What matters is that you’re there, and you’re there willingly. There is no bad reason for you to be in the theatre.
I say this because in my brief time in the theatre I have run into several people that I have been told were in theatre “for the wrong reasons.” Five come to mind. Two were in theatre because they were looking for beautiful women. One because it made her part of the cool crowd when she was in high school. One because his girlfriend made him audition for a show. And one because he was desparate to go into any other field, as long as it got him out of the Computer Science department. At different times, I was told of each of these that they were “in theatre for the wrong reason.”
Of these five, three did not last long. The man whose girlfriend made him audition is still acting, and the girl who wanted to be part of the cool crowd now acts and is recognized as a decent director and promoter. There is no wrong reason to get into theatre.
Of course, two out of five may not seem like a great survival rate. But it should be pointed out that for the three who fell out of sight, their reason for coming to the theatre was not the direct cause of their leaving.
The direct cause of their leaving was that they had no drive to stay in the theatre. You can come to the theatre for any reason you want, but once you’re here you have to work. And you have to work hard. The work is long, hard, and at times painful, but it is also beautiful and fulfilling. It is strong work and good work. But it is work. That must never be forgotten.
Come to the theatre for any reason you choose. But come to the theatre in only one frame of mind. Come ready to work.
Suggested reading for the week:
The Laramie Project by Moises Kaufman and the Tectonic Theatre Project
True West by Sam Shepard
The Bald Soprano by Eugene Ionesco
Monday, January 20th, 2003
Artist: Trio
Label: Polygram Records
Genre: Alternative
Rating: *** (3 out of 4)
Availability: Widely Available / eMusic Download
(Sign up for eMusic – get 50 free mp3’s)
Hey! Isn’t that a song from that commercial? What was it for again? Volkswagen! Yeah! That funky little tune built around the Casio Keyboard loop.
That’s the reaction the first track of Da Da Da usually gets. The song – “Da Da Da I Don’t Love You You Don’t Love Me Aha Aha Aha” – was picked up by the automobile manufacturer for a funky little commercial. This resulted in a top ten hit and a memorable video in which the members of Trio sauntered through a busy dance club, surreptitiously pulling out their Casio Keyboard and pressing a few keys here and there.
The result of Volkswagen’s selection of music was this particular album. Da Da Da is, in fact, a compilation of tracks from the band’s two European releases (Trio and Error and Bye Bye). That catchy little tune was well over a decade old by the time Volkswagen signed the papers to license it. Considering that its entire basis is the old portable Casio keyboard and its built-in rythm track, it’s aged very well.
“Da Da Da This Title Is Incredibly Long And Everybody Just Calls It ‘Da Da Da,’ Anyway” is an incredibly simple song. A tiny little rythm track, a few plunky Casio notes, and a simple vocal line (“I don’t love you you don’t love me. / Uh-huh. / Da da da”). And yet it is incredibly catchy for its entire 3:26 duration. This is the stuff club playlists are made of.
So the trick to this album, then, is that it’s not all that different from the title track. Feature a few songs like “Boom Boom,” “Bye Bye,” “Anna, Letmeinletmeout,” and “Girl Girl Girl.” All of them simple, hook-ridden, and with vocals that everybody can learn after about thirty seconds. In the late 80’s, Trio was creating music for the late 90’s.
So let’s sum up the facts.
First of all, this is not an album for lyrical analysis. The vocal lines are short, simple, and not all that varied. Second, it’s not an album for people looking for virtuosos to emulate. The instrumentation is almost as simple as the lyrics. And third, while it’s got nice progressions in a few songs it’s not about varying the sound.
So is this a successful album with a lot of reply value? Not really. But what it is is a slice of bouncy fun. A lot of these tracks fit very snugly into your dance mixes, and they do it without ever really getting annoying. But it’s hard to be annoying when you’re so shallow that you don’t even grasp the concept of “deep.”
Saturday, January 18th, 2003
Artist: Pat Boone
Label: Hip-O Records
Genre: Lounge Metal
Rating: **• (2 1/2 out of 4)
Availability: Widely Available / eMusic Download
(Sign up for eMusic – get 50 free mp3’s)
Dolly Parton won rave reviews (and a Best Female Vocalist award) for her bluegrass rendition of Collective Soul’s “Shine,” proving that there was room for us all to get along. She then stunned music lovers everywhere by announcing her intention to record a bluegrass “Stairway to Heaven.” Meanwhile, Pat Boone was hanging out somewhere. Probably kicking himself.
The reason? Pat’s little entry into rock stardom. Yes, it’s In a Metal Mood: No More Mr. Nice Guy. No, I am not making this up.
Some might remember Mr. Boone’s metal turn. The aging lounge star showed up on talk shows in a leather vest with tattoos (removable decals, actually) all over his shoulders and biceps. In fact, that’s the get-up he wears on the cover of this little piece of kitsch travesty.
It probably seemed like a good idea at the time. What would happen if one of America’s kings of easy listening decided to release an album of metal standards, each one lovingly recorded in his own lounge style. On paper, it’s a sure-fire hit. In reality, it’s a bit clumsy and stumbling. Including a remarkably unremarkable cover of “Stairway to Heaven.” Yes, in 1997 – years before Dolly made it not only hip but artistic – Boone selected a handful of popular metal tunes to put his own not-so-unique stamp on them.
And the album has points that shine. Among them, a bizarre jazz ballad version of “Love Hurts” and a jazzy version of “Holy Diver.” But for every point where something actually works, Boone throws you a curve. What possessed him to try to cover “Paradise City”? Or “No More Mr. Nice Guy”? Or – perhaps most disturbing – “Enter Sandman”?
This is Pat Boone, ladies and gentlemen. Smooth jazz all the way with background vocals. The last person you’d expect to croon out “Sleep with one eye open / Clutching your pillow tight.” This is Mr. Pat Boone, crooner. Not Mr. Pat “Smoke on the Water” Boone. The only things missing are covers of Grand Funk Railroad’s “We’re an American Band” (“They said, ‘Come on, dudes, / Let’s get it on.’ / And we proceeded to tear that hotel down.”) or Def Leppard’s “Pour Some Sugar on Me” (“You got the peaches, I got the cream / Sweet to taste, saccharine”). What happened to you, Mr. Boone? Why are you so violent now? Did your last album not sell so good?
As a matter of fact, In a Metal Mood was to become one of Pat Boone’s most controversial recordings (Pat Boone? Controversial?). With a single stroke, Boone managed to gross out the people who never cared for him and alienate some of his most faithful fans. Boone’s metal turn was completely out of character, and everybody knew it. Especially his more (much more) conservative fans, who were the type of people who called for the original “Stairway” to be banned from the airwaves. For them to suddenly see their squeaky-clean hero donning leather and piercings and to hear him doing the “Now I lay me down to sleep” segment of “Enter Sandman” – let’s just say there were a few heart attacks in the works.
Now, I’m the first person to admit that I enjoy it when a pop superstar loses his mind. And there is something appealing to hearing Pat Boone croon his way through “You’ve Got Another Thing Coming.” But there’s also something to biting down on a piece of tinfoil just once – just to see how much it hurts. The facts? Aside from a bare couple of tracks, In a Metal Mood has no replay value. None. Nada. You may listen to “Love Hurts” a few times, but “Panama” is just painful, and “Stairway to Heaven” – as I’ve already mentioned – is stunning in its forgettability.
The problem is that Boone can’t decide whether he wants to take this album seriously or not. And this isn’t something you can go two ways on. The hard rock-to-lounge act is a tough one to pull it off. If you want to listen to a master, you might want to check out Richard Cheese – the demented Bill Murray knock-off with two albums to his credit.
So, Mr. Boone, I would like to say “Bravo.” It takes a lot of guts to put your personal image and professional career on the line for what is – at best – an elaborate April Fool’s joke. Bravo, I say.
Too bad I don’t give “A’s” for effort.
Friday, January 17th, 2003
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