Art Machine
Just another former infatuation junkie

Disney has hit a few snags in their case over Winnie the Pooh royalties.

The case is an argument over whether or not Disney owes over $200 million in royalties to the current owners of the original Winnie the Pooh.

I’ve been accused of being anti-corporate. I don’t understand why. Just because I believe that Disney has a stranglehold on entertainment. Just because I feel that their argument to extend copyright lengths was motivated more by greed and less by a desire to actually preserve Steamboat Willie. Just because I believe that their adapting a work to film doesn’t mean they own it.

This is A. A. and Christopher Robin Milne with Edward Bear.
Christopher Robin died in 1996, while Edward Bear and his other toys were entangled in a legal battle over ownership.

And just because I don’t think it’s right to shred important documents before going to court.

Wheaton College in Illinois has changed a few policies. The school – one of the more strict Evangelical schools in America – has announced that they are easing up on some of their restrictions.

From now on, grad students and professors will be allowed to smoke tobacco and drink alcohol.

Undergrads will be allowed to dance.

While this is a stunning advance in civil rights for Christian students, I can’t help but be amazed by the fact that the tier system works even in affairs of sin.

On tier one, we have the undergrad students. These students – bless their hearts – are still not mature enough or strong enough in the spirit to handle all temptations available to them. While they are permitted the simple sin of dancing, their souls are not yet strong enough to handle the demon licquor.

On tier two, the grad students and professors – proven soldiers in God’s army. They are so strong in their resolve that not even the dried leaves of the Devil’s dandelion can do them in. So, we will allow them a greater value of sin.

But why stop there? Why not advance the tiers down? What sins may be allowed to the lower levels?

In High School, students are still too immature to handle dancing – the lowest of the sins of the flesh. So they must obviously not come into physical contact with each other – ever. However, they should be strong enough to handle mere perception. So on the high school tier, we will no longer punish students who are caught gazing longingly at their classmates (unless Fred is caught gazing longingly at Bill, in which case the Bible says we can stone him).

In middle school, they are not yet ready for any sins of flesh or of perception. Students who gaze longingly will be suspended. Students who dance will be caned, and anybody with a beer in his or her possession will be submitted to shock treatment (care of Brother Humbert’s Medical Care – motto: “Shocking the Devil out since 1973”). Possession of licquor or a carton of cigarettes will be grounds to give all of the other students sand-filled socks with which they may flog the offending classmates to death.

In elementary school, these children are obviously not ready for sin of any kind. So from the time they are old enough to crawl, the school will provide advanced sensory deprivation tanks in which to keep them until they are old enough to go to middle school. In these conditions, the children will have no chance to sin. And, as an added bonus, when the children are released into middle school their muscles will be atrophied to the point that they will be physically incapable of any sin – including gazing longingly. The prolonged period of physical rehabilitation will allow extra time to build up their “sin defenses.”

All of this will, of course, result in a stronger, more righteous nation, in tune with God and alive in the Word.

And, in other news, British schools encourage teens to explore oral sex as a way to decrease teen pregnancy rates.

In light of the heavy (and long) nature of the last post, I thought I’d give you all some time off from thinking with these pictures of Adam Breske – the Virginia Tech Theatre Department’s answer to Spider-Man.

Adam begins his climb

Adam gains a handhold on the railing

Lisa provides an obstacle to Adam’s success

Classic wall-crawler pose

Remember: Adam isn’t a trained professional, either – so you definitely shouldn’t try this at home.

I’ve seen some strange things in my lifetime as a fan of speculative fiction. Some of them are scarring. I’ve seen scripts for 50’s Pop musicals based on Wendy and Richard Pini’s ElfQuest. I’ve seen scripts that create a Doctor Who supblot running through the Rocky Horror Picture Show – and a couple of RHPS sequel scripts that prove Frank N. Furter is actually The Master. I’ve seen Mulder and Scully investigating the bizarre, large-headed children in Charlie Brown’s home town. And somewhere out there, there’s a legitimate, authorized production of Star Trek on Ice.

But none of them compare to this. A piece of musical theatre so shocking, so mind-blowingly beyond anything ever on stage, that to listen to just one musical number will drive you insane.

Some things should never be adapted to the musical stage. Some things are just beyond the reach of the human mind. There are things that we just cannot accept.

But those musicals are written, anyway.

They said I was mad when I said that even Debbie Does Dallas could be made into a musical. Mad! Mad, I tell you! But who beat me to the idea? And now, who was the biggest Off-Broadway ticket of this past season? Who?

Artist: Various Artists
Label: Cleopatra Records
Genre: Alternative Rock / Tribute
Rating: ***• (3 1/2 out of 4)
Availability: Widely Available / eMusic Download

Cleopatra Records doesn’t expect you to believe that they’d actually release a Limp Bizkit tribute. “Ladies and Gentlemen,” chirps Jasmin St. Claire on the peppy intro track, “welcome to Mutated, Manipulated, and Translated: A tribute to and reconstruction of Limp Bizkit. That’s right. Limp Bizkit. Bring it on. Let the games begin!”

The question one has to ask of a Limp Bizkit tribute is, “Why?” It’s not like Bizkit has been a particularly influential force in music – or like they’ve been around nearly long enough to be considered a musical institution. Given their frat-rock, rape-the-girls-and-make-them-cry vocal and musical swagger, it’s unlikely that anybody will ever consider Limp Bizkit (or, in particular, its red-capped frontman Fred Durst) to be a major force in world politics or social advancement. Then you take into account the fact that they have a tendency to blow a lot of smoke and the fact that they’re incredibly rude to their fans, and there’s really not much there worth paying tribute to.

So how exactly does Cleopatra Records expect us to swallow a tribute to one of the most juvenile, unlovable, erratic, and untalented bands ever?

Simple. Mutated isn’t really a tribute. It’s a rewrite. It takes something that’s mildly interesting and turns it on its head to re-invent Limp Bizkit. “We can repair it. We have the technology. We can make it stronger. Faster. Better.”

Mutated is the Six Million-Dollar Durst – an album of Limp Bizkit music that actually manages to come off sounding good. It’s entertaining, quick-witted, and silver-tongued. There’s Powder’s “It’ll Be Okay”, with female vocals laid over raunchy power chords. There’s Tommy Henrikson’s “The One”, which seems to say, “Listen, Durst. Here’s a real MC.” And then there’s Gliss’ “Nookie,” translated to a funky stumble that’s comes off like Belle and Sebastian mixing with Porter Hall, TN for a drunken night on the town.

In fact, Mutated is so good at re-inventing Limp Bizkit that I have a lot of trouble thinking of it as a “tribute” album. It’s always seemed to me that part of making a tribute album was glorifying your subject. The listener leaves the album with a deeper respect of the artist paid tribute to, and with a deeper feeling of that artist’s influence on music in general.

But Cleopatra’s tribute to Limp Bizkit has the opposite effect on me. When I hear what real musicians can do with Limp Bizkit’s plodding, un-creative, frat-soaked aggro-beer rap, it just makes me even less happy with Durst and Co. I listen to Neil Turbin accomplishing things with “Faith” that Bizkit could only dream of, and I can’t help but wonder why Limp Bizkit got any airplay at all when there were artists like this who were out there recording. The answer is obvious and depressing: The money was behind Bizkit, not behind Cleopatra’s stable.

Better Late than Never Dept:

New music is up on Radio Free ArtMachine! This time around, we have some brand spankin’ new stuff.

• Calloway – I Wanna Be Rich
• Guns ‘n’ Roses – Sympathy for the Devil
• David Bowie – Life on Mars? (Live from VH1 Storytellers)
• James McMurtry – Wild Man from Borneo

Isn’t it exciting?

You may notice that in the review for A Tribute to Limp Bizkit, the usual “eMusic Download” note is not a link. There’s a very good reason for that. You see, if you don’t use it – you lose it.

I was recently notified by eMusic that because my site does not generate any traffic for them, my account has been put into “disabled” status. This means that I cannot generate new links and that while my old links still work, I no longer get any credit for sending people through to the site.

I’m currently corresponding with eMusic to see if there’s any way to pull my site out of the Hell of disabled status. But until then I am unable to provide new links to the eMusic website. So, for those of you who have accounts, feel free to go seek out the latest hot bit of music and have fun.

BURBANK, CA – NBC and the FOX Network today made an unprecedented statement when they announced that two of their most popular reality series would be crossing over in a special, inter-network one-shot.

With hit series Joe Millionaire finally coming to a conclusion, the FOX Network has been scrambling for a follow-up.

“The American people are only so gullible,” says Chris Cowan, Executive Producer. “One time around, we managed to find 20 women who believed we were actually going to marry them off to a fifty-million dollar heir. But now that the concept is out, nobody will ever fall for it again.”

The key, producers say, is to take the two characters who survived the show’s run – Evan and Zora – and place them in even more extreme circumstances with even higher stakes.

“When I was contacted by [Joe Millionaire production company] Rocket Science Laboratories, I knew that we were a match made in Heaven,” says Matt Kunitz, producer of NBC’s hit reality series, Fear Factor. “Putting a man in a relationship based on money and then announcing that he doesn’t have any is probably the most extreme stunt you can pull in emotional scarring and not get sued. Now, the only place to go is the physical. And that’s our specialty.”

The first episode is set to air on FOX during November Sweeps. In the special hour-long episode, Joe “Girelli” Rogan of Fear Factor will host as Evan “Joe” Marriott performs the most extreme stunt ever created by the Factor stunt producers.

“It’s wild,” says Rogan. “We looked at Evan, and we knew we had an absolute gorilla of a man. So we needed a stunt that would absolutely challenge him on every possible level.

“We’ve created a half-mile obstacle course and stocked it with gators, hidden pits, rotating drums suspended above swampwater, and vine swings. On one end of the course is an empty pit and a pit full of tarantulas. On the other end is an empty pit and a pit full of centipedes. Starting at the tarantula ends, Evan will have to pick up one of the tarantulas in his teeth and carry it across the course to the empty pit where he will then spit it out. Then he will have to pick up a centipede – again, not using his hands – and cross back. And he has to do this fourteen times – that’s fourteen centipedes and fourteen tarantulas. And every time it takes him more than sixty seconds to make a round trip, I’ll be waiting at the end with my custom-made blowtorch/chainsaw combination to lop off a part of his body – starting with his hands, lower arms, upper arms, and shoulders before moving on to his feet. The nice thing about this chainsaw is that it cauterizes as it cuts. We’ll see just how much of a gorilla Evan really is.”

Rogan went on to say that the parts lopped off of Evan will be carefully preserved and sold on eBay under the heading “Girelli’s Magilla for Sale.” Evan’s right hand alone is expected to fetch over $50,000.00 from television memorabilia collectors.

When asked if he felt that Evan would be able to continue beyond his pain threshhold and enter The Zone, Rogan would only say, “The doctors will make sure of it,” before muttering something about “crystal meth” and refusing to make a further comment.

Immediately following Rogan’s appearance on the FOX Network, he will be back on NBC for a special, live one-shot of Fear Factor. Paying homage to Let’s Make a Deal, the strapping former star of NewsRadio will offer Joe Millionaire bride Zora a choice.

“First,” says Factor producer Matt Kunitz, “we’re going to show Zora pictures of her freshly-mutilated celebrity boyfriend – including his death certificate, if applicable. Then, we’re going to remind her that Joe Millionaire has already given her $500,000.00. That’s when we spring the option on her.”

Calling the stunt “The most dangerous and outrageous stunt we’ve ever created,” Rogan says that he’s, “looking forward to seeing Zora’s face.”

Zora will be offered the option of keeping the $500,000.00 and remaining Evan’s nursemaid (or widow), or she can take $50,000,000.00 and whatever lies behind Door Number One.

It is rumored that behind Door Number One will be Rogan’s former NewsRadio co-star, Andy Dick. Dick will be stripped naked and accompanied by a Catholic Priest (also nude), best man Tom Green (nude as well), and maid of honor Tonya Harding (you guessed it – nude). To get the $50,000,000 Zora will have to participate in the live, uncensored nude Catholic wedding with wildman and former relapsing drug addict Dick. The wedding will be legally binding and – as Rogan reminds us – the Catholic Church does not permit divorces. They will then honeymoon in Amsterdam with Tonya Harding following along as their official photographer.

When asked if he thought Zora might end the show early by taking the $500,000 and running, Rogan replied that he wasn’t concerned.

“Hell,” he said. “We never expected that we could actually get people to eat horse rectum on national television. But offer enough money and they’ll go for it.”

“Zora knows good television,” says Millionaire Executive Producer Chris Cowan. “She’ll make the right choice.”

In my freshman year at Virginia Tech, a promising young director by the name of Jack Bennett came to my freshman-level acting class and talked about the film he was making. I auditioned, made a screen test, and didn’t get a role. But I continued to run into Jack, and we got to be friends. We’ve done a couple of shows together – I actually wound up directing him onstage.

Three years after my screen test, Jack came to make a video of Three Shots Fired Point Blank – a short piece of shock theatre that I had written and directed. As part of the show, I had a cameo appearance at the beginning. The music started, and I ran around the stage adusting the set, checking out speakers, etc. Finally, I turned off the music and walked off stage as the first scene started. I did it all sporting a button-up shirt with my new beard and my seldom-seen glasses¹.

Jack asked me if I would record a small part for his movie (yes, he was still shooting three years later), and of course I said yes.

And that’s how I wound up in my feature film debut, Jack Bennett’s Walking Shadows

Here’s a story…

I don’t want to say too much about the film, because when it’s finally released I want you to go and buy the movie and make Jack lots and lots of money². But I’ve seen an early cut of it. Think of it as the love child of a college coming-of-age movie and one of those slasher flicks.

Oh, yeah. And there’s kittens. I like kittens.

And I have to say that I’m brilliant in my role as “The Teaching Assistant”. Although I don’t have any stills of my performance, because I’m only in the movie for a split second³ and I don’t appear in the preview.

In this shot, Jack Bennett proves that his film is downright Twainian in a Hitchcockian way.

By the way, all of the above stills are from the preview Jack has put together for Walking Shadows. And I have it from a reliable source that the movie – now five years in the making – is close to being out of post-production. From what I understand, the movie is significantly shorter now. And I’ve been replaced by shots of a brown penny loafer.

In all seriousness, I think the world of Jack. And I can’t wait to see what’s been done to the movie since the last time I saw it.

And when it gets released on DVD, I expect all of you to buy it through my site’s affiliate program – so Jack can get his money, and I can finally get paid for my screen work.