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Back when Bob Dole was running against Bill Clinton, one of the early tactics used by the Republican party was to compare Dole’s wartime record of heroism to Bill Clinton’s time as a Rhodes Scholar (which kept him out of the draft).

“But,” I would say to friends who started to wax poetic on Dole’s war record, “Dole’s first purple heart was received for a wound that was self-inflicted. And there are conflicting stories about the injury that gave him the second purple heart. And parts of the story don’t add up.” (you can read more on this issue here)

“Yeah?” they would say. “Well, what have you got against the military? He served his country and got wounded in the process.”

“I know, and I respect that,” I would say. “But it’s not whether or not he was actually wounded or how he was wounded – it’s how big the story is getting around it. His actions were fairly common for soldiers at the time – but now that he’s running for President, they’re being played up as though he single-handedly defeated the Nazis.”

“Well, at least he went over and served his country, unlike that draft-dodger Bill Clinton!”

It’s nice to know that some songs don’t change their tune.

Republicans are now gathering around to take a shot at John Kerry’s military record.

Conservatives, talk radio hosts and some newspaper editorials have questioned the seriousness of his injuries and whether the Massachusetts senator was deserving of the three Purple Hearts, which resulted in his reassignment out of Vietnam.

Kerry’s former commanding officer, Lt. Cmdr. Grant Hibbard, told the Boston Globe last week that Kerry’s first Purple Heart came from minor wound, resembling a fingernail scrape.

Now, it would be easy to just turn around and make the obvious response – which I’m not going to make here because it’s just obvious. I’m also not going to make it because it was usually the final response when it came to questions over Dole’s military record, and I don’t like to play those games.

The facts: Kerry cannot produce the actual files on his first purple heart – he claims that they have been lost. Unlike certain other individuals whose pertinent records have a habit of disappearing unexpectedly, however, Kerry can provide documentation that supports the original story.

The campaign could not locate a similar report for Kerry’s original Purple Heart. As evidence that Kerry was wounded, campaign spokesman Michael Meehan showed The Associated Press a “Sick Call Treatment Record’’ from Kerry’s personal files that included a brief written note dated Dec. 3, 1968, and stamped from the naval support facility at Cam Ranh Bay.

“Shrapnel in left arm above elbow. Shrapnel removed and appl bacitracin dressing. Ret to Duty,’’ it said. The note is followed by a signature that appears to say “JCCarreon’’ and some illegible letters that Meehan said probably designate the medical official’s rank.

What’s amazing, however, is the notion that “a fingernail scrape” would negate all that Kerry went through for his second and third purple hearts (a pdf file containing a copy of the reports on his second and third purple hearts can be found via this link, right- or control-click and select “save file as…” please).

The fact is: Kerry went to war. Kerry did some serious war-movie stuff. Kerry got wounded three times. Kerry was given the option to come home – and he took it, just as anybody who had any sense and had something waiting for him at home would have done.

And Kerry is willing to show records.

On an added note: Bob Dole’s official biography is not only more dramatic than a Spielberg movie, it no longer makes even the briefest mention of the circumstances surrounding his first purple heart. Instead, the wording suggests that Dole’s wound from “machine gun fire” was so serious that the military just handed him two medals for it.

Eventually, he returned to Percy Jones Army Medical Hospital for extensive therapy on his rebuilt arm. It took about three years and nine operations for Bob Dole to rehabilitate. He learned to strengthen his injured arm, and also had to learn how to write with his left hand, as the doctors could not rebuild the excessive damage done by the Nazi machine gun fire.

Bob Dole was twice decorated for heroic achievement, receiving two Purple Hearts for his injuries, and the Bronze Star Medal for his attempt to assist the downed radio man.

The fall of the Soviet Union has meant that a lot of interesting alternative career paths have returned to Russia. The most commonly-noted one is, of course, organized crime. But it appears that some of the more traditional professions are also coming into the modern era quite nicely.

Although she specializes in love magic, she is really a renaissance witch (not the best term, perhaps, considering what happened to witches in those days), and her advertisement in the latest edition of Secret Power offers “business-magic” as well as the more ancient service of removing the evil eye.

Charlatans give her business a bad name, she says. Her advice is this: When meeting a magical craftsperson, never explain your problems. They should be able to guess them on their own.

“If only they were punished as they were in England,” she muses about the charlatans.

The Nation tells us all about Bush’s plans for the National Archives.

The Senate is required to confirm the nomination, and the last time around, in 1995, the White House nominee was opposed during that process by organizations of historians and archivists (who regarded Carlin as unqualified). This time, the White House reportedly hopes to avoid hearings and instead plans to attach a confirmation bill to some other piece of legislation, perhaps as early as May. This would leave a Republican appointee in charge of not only the 9/11 Commission archives but all other Bush White House documents.

It should go without saying that the national archivist is vital to a sound democracy. But some people need a bit of explanation here.

The national archivist is the person who is responsible for what is technically considered America’s official history. In the end, the definitive history of America is supposed to depend on the National Archives. For a truly healthy democracy, the position of archivist has to be put with somebody who is absolutely trustworthy. Somebody who believes in the mission of the archives – someone who believes in fair and open access in the name of historical accuracy.

Where does this come into play with Bush’s nominee?

Senate confirmation hearings are essential because Weinstein’s record, especially on access issues, is bad. His 1999 book The Haunted Wood has been criticized for its flawed handling of archival materials. His publisher paid for exclusive access to Soviet archives, and no one else has been allowed to see the documents he quotes (see Ellen Schrecker, “The Spies Who Loved Us?” May 24, 1999). This appears to violate the code of ethics of the International Council on Archives, which calls for “the widest possible access” to documents. His earlier book, about Alger Hiss, has been criticized for politically motivated withholding of documents: Weinstein has refused to make his interviews on the Hiss case available to historians who disagree with him, which violates the Standards of the American Historical Association (see Victor Navasky, “Allen Weinstein’s Docudrama,” November 3, 1997).

When it comes to historical accuracy and access, Weinstein’s record suggests that he has a very… monopolistic view. I almost said capitalistic, but that would have been incorrect. First of all – there’s nothing wrong with capitalism when it’s open and fair and people are still taken care of. But when you allow capitalism to run rampant, it becomes monopolism.

Weinstein’s history suggests that when he is given access to historical documents, he uses it to create a monopoly on those documents. He becomes the official interpreter and historian for his subject, and he refuses to share information with others. When his research and interpretation is called into question, he doesn’t respond by granting access to the files in question so that he may defend his position. Rather, he responds by locking his sources away in a cold, dark vault and then challenging anybody who questions him to prove their point without the benefit of access to pertinent files.

Let me simplify that a bit. Weinstein publishes a book. This book may become a textbook. In the book, Weinstein makes bad statements. People say his statements are bad. Weinstein says, “Prove it.” People say, “Fine. Let us see the files.” Weinstein says, “Nope. I burned ‘em. Prove it without the files.”

Do we really want this man in charge of the National Archives?

It’s been a long time since I posted a “So You Want to be an Actor?” piece. So I thought I’d take a moment to address a serious issue.

You might want to brace yourself, because I’m about to drop the C-bomb on you. Are you ready?

Commitment.

As an actor, that one word should mean a lot. In order to play a role, you have to commit to it. The secret to improv is to commit to the scene, the character, and the situation. But there’s more than one place in the theatre for commitment.

As an actor, you’re expected to audition. Sometimes you’ll get offered a part. Sometimes you won’t. When you get offered a part, it’s just that – an offer. You can accept or refuse it as you see fit. But once you accept it, you’ve made a commitment.

It’s more than just a matter of “I said I’d play this part.” It’s a matter of “I said I’d play this part and now other people have scheduled themselves around me.” The production in which you have accepted a part is the product of a lot of work from a lot of people. And those people are committed to making the show work.

Case in point – my play, The Mouser’s Tales was selected for production as part of the Got Theater? Project’s Children’s Theatre Festival. A lot of work has gone into the production. Jason Dinant of GT?P has been a marvel at keeping me up to date on the status of the show, and following auditions he was thrilled with the way it was going.

Then, two actors suddenly pulled out of the production.

I know nothing about the circumstances behind their decisions to do so. But here’s where it put the show and people involved in it.

First of all, there are the actors who auditioned and didn’t get cast. Many of these people were good – as a director, I can speak to times when I honestly would have cast everybody who had auditioned if I had been able to do so. But unfortunately it’s just not feasible. Happily for them, many of the people who didn’t get cast after auditioning for Mouser did get cast elsewhere. But it’s disrespectful to the other actors to take a role only to bow out later – and it makes it difficult to call those actors and ask them to take your place.

Second, there’s the director of the show. Pulling out leaves the director in a lurch. Rehearsal plans are delicate constructs. When you pull out of a show, it means that you have to be replaced. The chances of being able to pull a replacement from the audition pool are very slim – and get thinner the longer you wait to pull out. Frequently, the only halfway good option is to hold a new set of auditions. This takes time, which pushes back the rehearsal process, which causes everything to be rushed. It can completely throw off the rhythm of a production.

Which brings us to the producer. Pulling out of a show can put the producer in a tough situation. The sudden departure of two actors from the cast put Jason Dinant in the undesirable position of having to call the playwright (me, if you’re keeping score) and ask permission to postpone the play. Which means that The Mouser’s Tales will not be produced as part of the Children’s Theatre Festival, although it will be produced in the future by GT?P in Las Vegas.

That puts me in a tough situation, as well. I do keep a list of people that I notify about new developments in my career. This was a particularly big one – the first production of one of my plays outside of a college setting. Several of these people had told me they intended to be in Syracuse to see the show. I had to write an e-mail to them informing them of the circumstances and of the decision to postpone. It also means that while my play will be represented at the festival – an information booth will feature The Mouser’s Tales with contact information and details on my work – it will not be seen on stage by anybody attending.

And then there’s another group that’s affected – in this case, a group of five. Five other actors auditioned, were offered roles, and accepted. Now they won’t have the production they auditioned for.

The theatre requires commitment. When you take a role that you have auditioned for, you become responsible for staying with it – and a lot of people are depending on you.

Okay. So I’m trying to get this straight. See, there used to be a time when radio stations would actually announce the name of the song and the artist performing it. I understand that in some small markets or in some backwards genres, they still do this – but for the most part, no song title or artist name ever gets announced after the first three days of radio play.

That makes it pretty much impossible for me – as a casual listener who only tunes in every six weeks or so for a couple of days – to actually pick up on the new music. I hear the songs and I wait to hear who’s singing them and what the title of the song is, and I never get any closure on that issue. Honestly, is it that difficult to come in between songs and say, “That was Jet with ‘Are You Gonna Be My Girl…’”? Well, actually, it is. See, you’d actually have to pay a DJ to do that – and then you couldn’t advertise, “NOW! with fifteen straight seconds of continuous HITS!”

So, AT&T hustles to the rescue with their wireless service.

When a customer presses #43 on any AT&T Wireless phone and holds the handset near a speaker, the company says it will send back a text message containing the title of the song playing and the singer’s name for 99 cents, on top of call charges.

Wow. That’s really nifty.

Wait.

99 cents on top of call charges?

That’s not nifty. That’s beyond sucky. That’s practically sucktastic. Its suckage is legendary.

99 cents for something that DJ’s used to do for free? So, I decide I want this song – I pay call charges and 99 cents to learn who it is and what the title is, and then I hustle home and shell out 99 cents to buy it on iTunes?

Give me a freakin’ break. I’ll just go around humming the song and asking people, “Hey, what’s that song that goes—” until somebody tells me. Or beats me over the head with a trout until my skull caves in. Either way, I’ll get satisfaction – and it won’t cost me no 99 cents on top of call charges. To expect that of your customers is base exploitation.

I say unto that: Feh.

I’m usually good about making obscure connections. So I have no idea why I didn’t think of this before. As I was entering Pepsi codes just now, it occurred to me – I started this whole thing! Me! I’m the one who got us all those magical, precious little yellow caps!

What, you don’t believe me?

Check it out – April 28, 2003. I reviewed the iTunes music store – freshly out with that new-software smell still clinging to it. And see? There I was, planting the seed of what would eventually grow into the coolest promotion of 2004 – the Pepsi/iTunes free song promotion. I reviewed the iTunes music store by showing just how far I could get through a Diet Pepsi in the time it took to buy one song, download it, and burn it to a CD.

Yes, I am the one who made the original association between the iTunes Music Store and the Pepsi brand. I eagerly await your adulation – and your un-redeemed Free iTunes Song codes.

Considering I just saw Confessions of a Dangerous Mind yesterday, coming across this entertainment story was just a little bit… surreal.

See, back in 1976 Chuck Barris became the face of trash television when he hosted “The Gong Show.” Among other accusations, Barris was told that he was exploiting a natural impulse to show off talent (however offbeat or imaginary such talent may be) by turning his acts into a target for ridicule.

At this point, I would like to state that the WB has done something that nobody ever thought possible – they’ve become less subtle than Chuck Barris.

“These people believe they’re the next pop superstar, even though they’re horrible singers,” Fleiss told the trade paper Daily Variety. He called the show “a bizarro version of ‘American Idol.’”

When auditions were held in Las Vegas, Minneapolis, Orlando, Fla., and Philadelphia, the best singers were told they weren’t right for the show, the WB said.

A dozen “uniquely talented” performers were picked to get dance and singing lessons and the chance to compete for a “talent and recording deal” the network valued at $100,000.

See, there’s a point where it goes beyond satire and beyond good clean fun and becomes exploitation and cruelty.

I confess. One of the greatest dangers to my status as a political commentator is my absolute inability to watch any of the Chimp-in-Chief’s multi-network dog-and-pony shows. As a result, I don’t have any real commentary yet on his press conference last night, and probably won’t until I read the transcript tomorrow morning. But I can say that in the fewer than three minutes I watched, I got to see Bushie-boi duck two questions, condescend to one reporter, and imply that all liberals are racist.

Frankly – at a certain point, my head explodes.

The New York Times reports that the timing of Bill Clinton’s memoirs is making some Democrats a bit jumpy…

As Bill Clinton seeks to finish his memoirs, leading Democrats are voicing concern that the book could overshadow Senator John Kerry’s presidential campaign, diverting attention to Mr. Clinton’s outsize legacy of scandal and achievement.

Many Democrats said they wanted the book published as far as possible before the election and, certainly, before the Democratic National Convention in late July. They fear that the book will embolden Mr. Clinton’s foes to turn out and vote for President Bush.

Here’s my prediction. Bill will finish his book just in time to meet his deadline. It will chew up a lot of airtime, become best-seller, and it will deserve both. It will be hailed as the most candid Presidential memoir ever published. And at whatever point in the campaign it comes out, the Republican Attack Machine^TM will claim that it was written specifically to make Bush look bad and promote the Kerry campaign.

The accusation will, of course, be wrong – if not just patently ridiculous. It will have been written because Bill Clinton is a former President who – among other things – happens to be one Helluva storyteller who can’t resist spinning a good yarn.

Personally, I agree with Gov. Bill Richardson – Clinton is a plus. The Democrats have treated Bill Clinton like their albatross for over eight years now, and they fail to recognize the brilliance and the popularity of the man. Bill Clinton is quite possibly one of the best American Presidents of the twentieth century, and a great many people remember him that way. It’s time to stop trying to shove Bill into the closet and bring him out as the leader of the Democratic party that he should be. It might just be that a little bit of nostalgia for the Clinton years is what Kerry’s campaign needs.