Art Machine
Just another former infatuation junkie

You know the drill. Recognize the lyrics? Drop it into the comments. And smile, darn ya! Smile!

1. Waylon Jennings, “Luckenbach,Texas” [Carl] – “This coat and tie is choking me, in your high society you cry all day.”
2. “I want a full house and a rock and roll band.” (multiple artists possible)
3. “The boundaries of language I quietly cursed.”
4. “If ever again a greeting I send to you, short and sweet to the soul I intend.”
5. “Anxiety was bringing me down. I’m tired of listening to you.”
6. “Oh God, Johnny, don’t point that gun at me.”
7. “Hey, you with the pretty face – welcome to the human race.”
8. Guns ‘n’ Roses, “Sweet Child of Mine” [Thud] – “Her hair reminds me of a warm safe place”
9. “When Alexander called you, he said he rang your chimes.” (multiple artists possible)
10. “The rock candy’s melted, only diamonds now remain.”

Edit: It’s been a while since I posted answers to any of the Random 10’s. So…

The last step is still up for guessing if you’d like to take another shot at it.

Here are the answers for The LOLWTFOMG[etc] Edition.

Here are the answers for our special It’s the 80’s! List.

Here are the answers for The Stop Spamming Me! Edition.

And that should bring us all up to date. For now.

Over at Slate you’ll find Andy Bowers considering the possibility that the iTunes video service might save cancelled television shows. In particular, Bowers sees it as a way to prop up “The West Wing” now that the network has pulled the plug. It’s not a new idea entirely. Sci-fi fan boards lately have been abuzz with it. It’s a variation on what the folks who were trying to extend the run of “Enterprise” tried to do when they started raising money to pay for a new season out of pocket.

It’s an attractive idea. As a sci-fi fan, I know that I’ve mourned the early death of many a promising show (“Firefly,” anyone?). Imagine if these shows with strong, devoted cult followings managed to either raise the fan money or build the iTunes “subscriber” base to a point where they could be supported without advertising revenue. Networks could continue well-loved shows that hadn’t found their audience yet in an iTunes-based limbo where good writing and new ideas were given a second chance. Why, it would be a Christmas miracle!

Here’s why it won’t work.

First of all, it won’t work because networks and the majority of cable channels – like most of the entertainment industry – are still clinging to outmoded ideas of technology and its ability to make money. It took a huge leap for these channels to even put shows with strong viewerships onto the iTunes store, and that only appears to be an extension of the shows-on-DVD model. Of the shows that started on iTunes, only one could be determined “risky” – and, sure enough, “Night Stalker” was cancelled soon afterward.

This is a segment of the industry that is still preoccupied with trying to find ways to keep you from scanning through commercials on your Tivo. They are bogged down in the revenue from advertising – which, if you remember, was what initially allowed broadcast television to be free. Now we pay hefty monthly cable bills to get our programming and still sit through commercials. Hell, even AMC – which used to be commercial-free – chops up its movies with commercial breaks.

Even if the networks decide that new episodes for iTunes are a great idea, it’s not likely to happen right away, and it’s not likely to be what people expect. Fans of “Firefly” might be champing at the bit to see new episodes, but if Fox decides to put new content on the iTunes store, it’ll most likely be a “greatest moments” special or a cast reunion – not new episodes. You may see special uncensored versions of shows being sold. You might eventually see extended “Director’s Cuts” of episodes. But the road to brand spankin’ new episodes of your favorite cult hit on iTunes is a long way away.

The Public Blogcasting System hopes that you are enjoying tonight’s installment of “ArtMachine.” We’ll return to “ArtMachine” in a moment, but first we’d like to take this opportunity to remind you that ArtMachine depends on the support of readers like you.

Don: Ha, ha! That crazy Giblets. What will he do next?

Mary: (clears her throat and whispers) Fafblog is next week, Don. This is ArtMachine.

Don: ArtMachine? What the Hell is ArtMachine? Geez, there’s a million of these blog things. There can’t be this many people with something to say…

Mary: Uh, that’s right, Don. Quality commentary by bloggers like PrimeCog just doesn’t write itself.

Don: PrimeCog? Who’s PrimeCog?

Mary: That’s what it says down at the bottom of the post.

Don: Yeah, but I don’t think he’s ever referred to himself as-

Mary: What’s important at this time is that you at home remember that your donations help to keep quality blogging on the airwaves. We receive minimal government support-

Don: With this kind of commentary, no government support.

Mary:—so every penny you send our way counts. And to thank you for your support, a donation of 13.99 gets you this wonderful tote bag, or you can get your very own ArtMachine thong for your donation of 8.99.

Don: Thong? This guy sells thongs?

Mary: Yup. With his name on them.

Don: Arrogant little snot, isn’t he?

Mary: Please, show your support for Public Blogcasting today.

Don: I could have sworn we were doing Fafblog this week. Geez. I could be doing TalkLeft or BoingBoing right now. Who ever heard of ArtMachine?

This is the other reason this model won’t work – because deep down inside, the fans don’t want it to work. Many have referred to it as a PBS model, but there’s a vast difference between chipping in a few bucks every few months to help a local channel buy blocks of pre-existing programming and making a consistent weekly purchase of a series episode-by-episode.

Sure, it seems like a good idea at first glance. Viewers who love a show pitch the iTunes store $1.99 a week. In return, they get brand new episodes of a show that would otherwise be a long-distant memory consigned to the depths with The Tick and other cult hits that lasted less time than a Ben & Jerry’s Scoop Shop in Hell. But when you add together the cost of the typical cable package – which you’ll still want because of all of the programming that isn’t on iTunes – with internet access and then consider that you’re going to be paying 1.99 a pop to support your favorite cult shows, you can see that it’s going to add up quickly.

Think for a moment of the great shows you loved that were cancelled early. If you’re a sci-fi fan, this shouldn’t be too hard. Need some help? Here’s a list off the top of my head.

1. The Tick
2. Strange Luck
3. Lone Gunmen
4. Nightmare Cafe
5. Myster Science Theatre 3000 (Sure, it was a long run – I still want more.)
6. Kindred: The Embraced
7. The Adventures of Brisco County Jr.
8. Firefly
9. American Gothic
10. Dead Like Me

(Before people jump on me – yes, I know it’s way too late to make new episodes of “Nightmare Cafe” or “Brisco County.” Just limit yourselves to the last four years, I’m fairly certain you’ll still come up with a decent list)

I could continue. But by this time, we can see that I have 10 shows listed, bringing me to an even 19.90 a week. A week, presuming a regular weekly release schedule for each of these shows and that the networks didn’t force a flexible pricing scheme on Apple (or whatever venue they chose to sell through). For at least a couple months out of the year, my bill for supporting my favorite shows has pushed me up an additional 51.60 a month (presuming I’ve done my math right – I’m too tired at this point to check). I’m ashamed to admit that the last few times PBS had a pledge drive (that I saw) I only chipped in about 20 bucks – and the last time I didn’t even do that because I couldn’t afford the 20.

And what do we get for our 51.60? Well, new episodes of “Dead Like Me” are nice – especially given the fact that Ellen Muth is my new celebrity crush – but we have to ask what the quality of the episodes would be. It’s already been said by industry insiders that the lower resolution of iTunes videos would mean that less money needed to be spent on costumes and sets. With no advertising revenue (remember, they’re still chasing the advertising dollar) they would cut corners everywhere they could to make the profit margin greater. This means fewer locations, fewer guest stars, and – for you sci-fi fans – fewer special effects. So we pay more for a lower-quality product (that we’re told is all right because it’s lower-resolution).

Meanwhile, this means that the network has to take even fewer chances with its actual line-up. In the past, shows like “Cheers” succeeded because the networks gave them time to grow. In previous years, we’ve bemoaned the networks’ inability to take similar chances now. Can you imagine the response of the networks if they knew they could just slash a show’s budget by 90%, move it to iTunes, and watch money roll in from the show’s dedicated fan base? No more chances taken on the schedule – fly right away, or we dump you. End of story.

I hate it when quality programming gets cancelled – but iTunes and similar services should not be used as a televisual ressurection man, digging up the networks’ corpses and peddling them off to eager fans. If anything, what iTunes needs is to become a nursery for possible new programming. The iTunes Music Store created a stir when it opened itself to indie and self-distributed artists through a deal with CDBaby. What they need now is a similar method for budding content providers to sell their product through the video store. We already have video-casting for free, now let’s find a way to let the indie videographers make a few cents in the process.

With school starting up again, it takes a while to get me to sit down and shuffle up some music. So here we go again with the Guess 10.

1. “It all comes together when they shoot out the lights.”
2. Pink Floyd, “Money” [Thud] – “I’m in the hi-fidelity first class travelling set.”
3. “Say the Devil is my savior, but I don’t pay no heed.”
4. “Just ring three-six-two-four-three-six-oh, I lead a life of crime.”
5. “Each breath that we breathe with love we must weave.”
6. Billy Joel, “The Piano Man” [Thud”] – “It’s sad and it’s sweet, and I knew it complete.”
7. Don McLean, “American Pie” [Thud”] – “The lovers cried and the poets dreamed.”
8. “I see the sun up ahead at the county line bridge.”
9. Bad Company, “Feel Like Makin’ Love” [Fred] – “If I had those golden dreams of my yesterdays.”
10. “You had me down, 21 to zip.”

Edit: Don’t be afraid. The captcha has been safely leashed in the back yard, so no obscure codes to type.

The Guardian Unlimited has the follow-up for those of you who have been waiting with bated breath to see what happened to the Harry Potter thief.

A man was jailed for four-and-a-half years today after stealing pre-release copies of a Harry Potter novel and shooting a blank-firing pistol at a journalist when he failed to negotiate a sale.

Aaron Lambert, 20, stole two copies of Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince from a secure distribution centre on June 2 last year, six weeks before the JK Rowling novel’s much awaited publication.

On the one hand, this story has everything a made-for-TV movie needs. It has obsession, darkness of the human soul, blackmail, theft, and final blatant stupidity that proves that crime does not pay. It is a script that begs to be written.

On the other hand, any script you could write from it would be automatically dismissed as wholly unrealistic. A 20-year-old bodybuilder becomes obsessed with his hobby, diving deep into the world of steroids and performance-enhancing drugs. He gets a job as a security guard and uses that job to steal copies of the new Harry Potter book before its release. He then tries to steal the book and winds up in a newspaper-operated sting, during which he fires a blank pistol at the reporter posing as a prospective buyer. And to top it all off, after being arrested he made phone calls threatening to expose pivotal plot points of the book if the publisher didn’t pay him hush money.

It’s ridiculous. It’s absurd.

He’s been found guilty.

Which means that since he cannot profit from his crimes, he has no control over any adaptations that are written.

Which is why I am pleased to announce my latest work-in-progress – Potted! A Musical Based on A Series of Unlikely Events. Production rights are tentatively schedule for availability in January 2007.

What is it that makes a blog worth adding to your blogroll or your bloglines account? What makes you feel like one particular blog is one you’ll want to keep reading?

I recently added Kung Fu Monkey to my Bloglines. I discovered them through a link from a writing website. The discussion linked to was how to write action scenes, and – among other great points – it has an analysis of the Matrix movies and why some action scenes work and others don’t.

This leads into the third sequence: Neo fights Agent Smith. Now, we’re pretty close to the end of the movie here, so we may well assume that “duh, of course Neo’s going to win.” But the Wachowski’s have done something masterful. First, even in the previous sequence, the heroes only beat an Agent when they cheat. Two on one, and they still need Neo to pull a trick he’s never exhibited before, changing the rules in mid-fight. This Smith fight is the first mano-a-mano fight. The threat and obstacle are escalated way, WAY over what they’ve been before. Second, it’s a payoff—Smith is one of the best screen antagonists of the last ten years. We wannnnnt to see the throwdown we’ve been waiting for, the one the film’s been quite consciously avoiding all the way up to this point. Third—the exterior complication of the squids arriving. Fourth—this fight is a character moment. This fight is Neo saying: “No. I’m not going to run anymore. I stand and fight and die here.” This is the moment in the film where Neo-we leave our cubicles and beat up our bosses, or stand up and fight all the bastards in suits who shove us around and make us feel unimportant. This is “Take this job and shove it” with gun-fu, and that’s a powerful gut-check moment. All those factors combined are necessary to overcome the “well, of course he’ll survive” instinct.

If you’ve seen the sequels, all I have to say is “Burly Brawl”, and you get my point.

At this point, I was thinking, “I may want to bookmark this and come back some time.” Then I flipped through the archives and found True Geek Conversations. In particular, I found I Love Lucy—Issue Zero!

Tyrone: Ethel, let us also note, was often genuinely funny. Acerbically so.
John: Yeah, that wit didn’t match her current surroundings. It seemed to me Ethel probably had a really interesting backstory we never saw.
Tyrone: Such as?
John: I don’t know … Ethel was a stripper working a mercenary bar in Central America, maybe an opium den/whorehouse in the Phillipines. Marrying Fred was her ticket out and to respectability. Hence her street smarts and sass.
Tyrone: (beat) Are you pitching the “Ethel Mertz Working a Donkey Show in Tijuana” backstory?

At that point, I was actively searching for the “Add to Bloglines” button.

The 1956 publication Martin Luther King and the Montgomery Story is now available online for your perusal, along with the re-drawn Spanish language edition, Martin Luther King y la Historia de Montgomery. [link via BoingBoing]

The comic-book retelling of the stories of Montgomery, AL and the fight for independence in India is not just a biography, but also lays out the steps and the important concepts underlying non-violent protest. Items like this are typically valued today for the camp aspect, but the fact is that comics can be a versatile medium and items like this illustrate that fact. Granted, the writing isn’t up to par for the modern reader, but nobody was really publishing Strangers in Paradise back then, either.

It’s also interesting to note that while the Spanish version of the pamphlet is modeled after the original, it’s actually a complete redrawing. You can see it particularly in the close-up images of characters. Rather than just replacing the English text with Spanish, these pages were completely redrawn.

I don’t like doing the Captcha thing, but I hate blogspammers even more.

Just at the beginning of the holiday season, my new spam-free blog system started getting the occasional comment. Toward Christmas, it picked up.

Today I have deleted over 200 spam comments. I am currently in a constant cycle of moderating, tagging, and deleting spam comments and banning IP’s – which I’m fairly certain isn’t doing that much, because they seem to be spoofing an awful lot of IP addresses.

So to further combat spammers, I have installed a Captcha plug-in. Hopefully this will mean a significant decrease in spam comments.

Funny. I thought this kind of thing only happened to people who had readers.

I thought I’d do an all-pop list this Friday after the smash success of last week’s 80’s list. A couple of songs got clipped from the original shuffle because they are far too generic to make good line guesses. 3 Doors Down, do you think “When I’m Gone” might have benefitted from some originality? And Kylie Minogue—I’m not even going to bother.

So, here’s the “We’re Not Quite As Generic as Everybody Else” pop round-up.

1. The Donnas, “Fall Behind Me” – “When you skip steps on the way up, the gaps have a way of catching up.”
2. Blink 182, “Not Now” – “It’s useless, my name has made the list, and I wish I gave you one last kiss.”
3. The Who, “Behind Blue Eyes” [Fred] – “My love is vengeance that’s never free” (multiple artists possible)
4. Moby, “Where You End” – “I was running kisses down every inch of her spine.”
5. Tyler Hilton, “How Love Should Be” – “I’m not quite the knight I used to be.”
6. Daniel Bettingfield – “Gotta Get Through This” – “Surely one more moment couldn’t break my heart.”
7. Green Day, “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” [Fred – “My shadow’s the only one who walks beside me.”
8. Sheryl Crow, “Soak Up the Sun” [Thud] – “My friend the communist holds meetings in his RV.”
9. Matchbox Twenty, “Unwell” – “I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired.”
10. Lenny Kravitz, “Lady” – “She’s chic, but she’s not shady, yeah.”

Meanwhile, I’ve been busy playing spammer whack-a-mole all day today. So much so that I almost forgot to post a Friday 10 at all. So, for the record, none of the answers in any way involve Cia_lis or V!agR@.

If you haven’t been checking out The Anvil & Sprocket, here’s what you’ve missed so far.

1. New reviews from Thud for Le Mans, Freddy vs. Jason, Ginger Snaps, and Triplets of Belleville.
2. The launch of the new A&S blog.
3. Specifically, the first entry of the blog detailing plans for A&S’ future.
4. My feeble attempt to match up with my brother’s sudden surge in review output by posting my review of Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla. Yes, it exists. Yes, you will wish it didn’t.

You might remember that over at The Anvil & Sprocket, our first review in our indie film program was The Aviary – an amazing first movie by writer Silver Tree that captured the lives of flight attendants. We told you it was well worth your time and your money, and even sent you to theaviarymovie.com to pick up a copy of it.

I’ve just learned that Silver Tree has been fired by her airline, and that apparently her film played a large part in their decision to fire her.

Now’s a good time to support good independent film. Stop by theaviarymovie.com and pick up a copy of The Aviary.