A very special episode…
BURBANK, CA – NBC and the FOX Network today made an unprecedented statement when they announced that two of their most popular reality series would be crossing over in a special, inter-network one-shot.
With hit series Joe Millionaire finally coming to a conclusion, the FOX Network has been scrambling for a follow-up.
“The American people are only so gullible,” says Chris Cowan, Executive Producer. “One time around, we managed to find 20 women who believed we were actually going to marry them off to a fifty-million dollar heir. But now that the concept is out, nobody will ever fall for it again.”
The key, producers say, is to take the two characters who survived the show’s run – Evan and Zora – and place them in even more extreme circumstances with even higher stakes.
“When I was contacted by [Joe Millionaire production company] Rocket Science Laboratories, I knew that we were a match made in Heaven,” says Matt Kunitz, producer of NBC’s hit reality series, Fear Factor. “Putting a man in a relationship based on money and then announcing that he doesn’t have any is probably the most extreme stunt you can pull in emotional scarring and not get sued. Now, the only place to go is the physical. And that’s our specialty.”
The first episode is set to air on FOX during November Sweeps. In the special hour-long episode, Joe “Girelli” Rogan of Fear Factor will host as Evan “Joe” Marriott performs the most extreme stunt ever created by the Factor stunt producers.
“It’s wild,” says Rogan. “We looked at Evan, and we knew we had an absolute gorilla of a man. So we needed a stunt that would absolutely challenge him on every possible level.
“We’ve created a half-mile obstacle course and stocked it with gators, hidden pits, rotating drums suspended above swampwater, and vine swings. On one end of the course is an empty pit and a pit full of tarantulas. On the other end is an empty pit and a pit full of centipedes. Starting at the tarantula ends, Evan will have to pick up one of the tarantulas in his teeth and carry it across the course to the empty pit where he will then spit it out. Then he will have to pick up a centipede – again, not using his hands – and cross back. And he has to do this fourteen times – that’s fourteen centipedes and fourteen tarantulas. And every time it takes him more than sixty seconds to make a round trip, I’ll be waiting at the end with my custom-made blowtorch/chainsaw combination to lop off a part of his body – starting with his hands, lower arms, upper arms, and shoulders before moving on to his feet. The nice thing about this chainsaw is that it cauterizes as it cuts. We’ll see just how much of a gorilla Evan really is.”
Rogan went on to say that the parts lopped off of Evan will be carefully preserved and sold on eBay under the heading “Girelli’s Magilla for Sale.” Evan’s right hand alone is expected to fetch over $50,000.00 from television memorabilia collectors.
When asked if he felt that Evan would be able to continue beyond his pain threshhold and enter The Zone, Rogan would only say, “The doctors will make sure of it,” before muttering something about “crystal meth” and refusing to make a further comment.
Immediately following Rogan’s appearance on the FOX Network, he will be back on NBC for a special, live one-shot of Fear Factor. Paying homage to Let’s Make a Deal, the strapping former star of NewsRadio will offer Joe Millionaire bride Zora a choice.
“First,” says Factor producer Matt Kunitz, “we’re going to show Zora pictures of her freshly-mutilated celebrity boyfriend – including his death certificate, if applicable. Then, we’re going to remind her that Joe Millionaire has already given her $500,000.00. That’s when we spring the option on her.”
Calling the stunt “The most dangerous and outrageous stunt we’ve ever created,” Rogan says that he’s, “looking forward to seeing Zora’s face.”
Zora will be offered the option of keeping the $500,000.00 and remaining Evan’s nursemaid (or widow), or she can take $50,000,000.00 and whatever lies behind Door Number One.
It is rumored that behind Door Number One will be Rogan’s former NewsRadio co-star, Andy Dick. Dick will be stripped naked and accompanied by a Catholic Priest (also nude), best man Tom Green (nude as well), and maid of honor Tonya Harding (you guessed it – nude). To get the $50,000,000 Zora will have to participate in the live, uncensored nude Catholic wedding with wildman and former relapsing drug addict Dick. The wedding will be legally binding and – as Rogan reminds us – the Catholic Church does not permit divorces. They will then honeymoon in Amsterdam with Tonya Harding following along as their official photographer.
When asked if he thought Zora might end the show early by taking the $500,000 and running, Rogan replied that he wasn’t concerned.
“Hell,” he said. “We never expected that we could actually get people to eat horse rectum on national television. But offer enough money and they’ll go for it.”
“Zora knows good television,” says Millionaire Executive Producer Chris Cowan. “She’ll make the right choice.”
February 18th, 2003 at 1:37 am
I bow to you and your unparalleled talent at taking an idea and really running with it.
So why aren’t you writing for The Onion? Hmmmm?